Click here for printer friendly very of lesson 4

Lesson 4

Lesson 3 Review

Big ideas: Self reflection is prescribed by God.

In order to replace your unhealthy, thoughts, emotions and unhealthy behaviors we need to recognize what is now in their place. You can not change what you don’t acknowledge.
It will be hard to renew your mind if you don’t test it first (Romans 12:2)
It’s painful to look back but we need to believe that pain is for a greater good.
God is love. Love requires a relationship.
We suffer when we do not have relationships, because God created us with a hunger for a solid emotional connection found there.
We were created for love, relationships and community.

Lesson 4

Big idea: God’s gracious, loving treatment of us is the prescription for our treatment of others and the foundation to a healthy community.

I will be using a article titled: Healthy Relationships, see the link for a the full article. https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-21-healthy-relationships-colossians-312-13

In Colossians 3:1-17, Paul gives the prescription for healthy relationships. This prescription focuses on our behavior, so maybe you’re thinking, “Healthy relationships also depend on others, don’t they? It’s virtually impossible to have a good relationship with some people!” True. Paul acknowledged this when he wrote (Rom. 12:18), “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Sometimes, no matter what you do, some people are hard to get along with. But often if you treat a difficult person with the qualities that Paul enumerates in our text, he will change for the better in how he relates to you. But even if some relationships never improve, you can at least remain healthy in that relationship.

If we choose to believe Paul then we should treat others with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness and love. Every Christian possesses these character qualities but there is freedom for different personality types. In other words, all mature Christians aren’t going to have the same generic personality. These qualities will take on different forms in different people. Part of the glory of God’s creation is the variety of personalities which He has given us and that He has a special purpose for each one. While He knocks the rough edges off each type of personality, He doesn’t erase the differences. Whether you’re hard-driving or laid back, extrovert or introvert, people-oriented or task-oriented, God wants you to have these character qualities.

Colossians 3:1-17

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. 6 Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming. 7 You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and bad language. 9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds.

*When we are not identifying with with God as love and as we were created to love, behavior starts to look a lot different. Paul here gives us a list of behaviors that should serve as an alarm that you are walking outside of love.

10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

*You have a new nature, you were created to be, like HIM. Process things through the eyes of Jesus or the Holy Spirit within you. These character traits will not make sense to the world. But we see these character qualities are modeled in Jesus. He was compassionate and kind (Matt. 9:36; 14:14), humble and gentle (Matt. 11:29), patient, forbearing, and forgiving (1 Pet. 2:23; Luke 23:34). He is our great example of what God or love in the flesh looks like. As we learn to put on these qualities, we’re really putting on Christ (Rom. 13:14) and becoming more like Him.

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must

*What Paul is saying here: God’s treatment of us is the basis for our treatment of others. God has chosen us in love to be set apart to Himself when we weren’t worthy of His love. Secure in His gracious, unfathomable love, we’re able to treat one another with the qualities listed here. We should treat others with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness, love.

clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy,

*We should treat others with mercy or compassion. So, “a heart of compassion” captures the idea. The main thing to grasp is that this is an emotional term. Being moved to compassion involves the feelings, not just the head. It means being touched by the needs of people so that we respond with appropriate action to help them.

Jesus used this word to describe the good Samaritan, who felt compassion for the wounded traveler and was moved to help him (Luke 10:33). He used it of the father of the prodigal son, who saw his wayward son returning, felt compassion for him, ran to him, embraced him and kissed him (Luke 15:20). He was stirred emotionally when he saw his son coming home.

Jesus felt compassion for the widow of Nain who had lost her only son (Luke 7:13). When Jesus saw the multitudes, He felt compassion for them (Matt. 9:36). On another occasion, Jesus and His disciples withdrew to a lonely place for some much needed rest. When they arrived by boat, they discovered that the crowd had arrived by land before them. Jesus saw them, felt compassion for them and healed their sick. The disciples saw them and said (as I would have said!), “Send them away!” (Matt. 14:14-15).

If you lack compassion, you could either be only concerned with self or maybe you have never been concerned for yourself or shown yourself compassion. Jesus saw the multitude and felt compassion because He saw that they were like sheep without a shepherd (Mark 8:34). The disciples saw the same multitude and didn’t feel compassion because they were focused on their own need to get away and rest. It all depends on your focus.

When you encounter a difficult person and you’re inclined to be irritated rather than to have compassion for him, ask him to share his story. Often, when you find out what the person has gone through, it helps you to overlook his irritating behavior and show the Lord’s compassion to him.

kindness,

*We should treat others with kindness. To be kind means to be free from all which is harsh, rough, and bitter. This word was used to describe wine that had mellowed (Luke 5:39). It didn’t bite or leave a bitter taste. A kind person is not demanding and pushy. He gives others room to be imperfect without crawling all over them.

Joseph is a great example of kindness. His brothers had hated him and sold him into slavery. After being falsely accused of impropriety with Potiphar’s wife and imprisoned for several years, he finally rose to the top as prime minister of Egypt. He easily could have taken vengeance on his brothers, but instead, he forgave them and was generous with them. After their father, Jacob, died, the brothers became afraid because they thought that perhaps Joseph would now pay them back for what they had done to him. But when Joseph heard it, he wept and spoke kindly to his brothers, assuring them of his continuing love and care for them and their children (Gen. 50:15-21).

Jesus said that God Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men (Luke 6:35). Paul said that the kindness of God leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4) Peter said that tasting God’s kindness should motivate us to long for the sincere milk of the word, that we may grow in respect to salvation (1 Pet. 2:1-3). If we’ll show kindness to those who are not kind to us, it will often motivate them to repentance and growth.

humility,

We should treat others with humility.

*Humility does not mean that when someone pays you a compliment, you look down and say, “It really wasn’t much!” Humility is not to dump on yourself. Literally, the Greek word means “lowliness of mind.” The Greeks did not see it as a virtue, but as a weakness.

Biblically, there are three sides to it:

1. A humble person consciously relies on the Lord and recognizes that God has given him all that he has (1 Pet. 5:5-7; 1 Cor. 4:7). He knows that he is weak in himself, but he is strong when he trusts in God’s strength (2 Cor. 12:9-10; Phil. 4:13).

2. A humble person has a proper evaluation of himself. Paul said (Rom. 12:3), “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.” He goes on to talk about using the gifts that God has given us to serve one another. A humble person doesn’t think that he’s indispensable in God’s program, nor does he think so lowly of himself that he neglects the gifts God has given him to use (Matt. 25:14-30; 2 Tim. 1:6-8).

3. A humble person esteems. As Paul said (Phil. 2:3-4), “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” He goes on to cite the example of Jesus, who laid aside His glory in heaven to take on the form of a servant and go to the cross for our salvation. He esteemed us more highly than himself.

gentleness, and

We should treat others with gentleness. The King James Version translates it “meekness.” There is no good single English word to translate the concept of the Greek word. It does not mean to be a mild-mannered or compliant. The main idea is, “strength under submission.” It was used in classical Greek of trained animals, such as a horse which was strong and powerful in battle, but totally submissive to the warrior who rode him. The gentle person is not self-willed, but surrendered to do God’s will. Plato used the word of a gentle doctor who used only enough force (as in setting a broken bone) to bring healing. So the gentle person will sometimes be strong to confront sin, but only strong enough to bring healing (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:25).

patience.

The Greek word for patience literally means, “long-tempered.” It’s the opposite of having a short fuse. It means being tolerant of imperfections, differences and faults in others. The patient person gives others time to change and room to make mistakes in the process. It’s a virtue that’s especially difficult for those of us who are perfectionists!

3 Make allowance for each other’s faults,

We should treat others with forbearance, patient self-control; restraint and tolerance. This means putting up with someone’s faults and idiosyncrasies. We need to recognize that being different doesn’t necessarily mean being wrong. Just because I’ve always done something a certain way doesn’t mean that everyone else has to do it my way. We must never be forbearing when it comes to biblical moral absolutes. But we must bear with others when it comes to things the Bible doesn’t clearly command. That is our church’s motto.

and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Rather than holding a grudge or harboring bitterness and resentment, we must forgive those who wrong us. Did you notice that many of these qualities are needed only when you have a complaint against someone? So you can’t excuse yourself by saying, “I’d treat him right if he would treat me better.” You wouldn’t need patience, forbearance, or forgiveness if everyone treated you well!

We are to forgive “just as the Lord forgave you.” That’s a lot, isn’t it! The Greek word used here for “forgiveness” has the nuance of undeserved favor. We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness, but He provided for it and granted it freely in Christ at great cost to Himself. God didn’t say, “Don’t worry about it; it’s no big deal.” He paid the price, but He doesn’t make us pay. God’s forgiveness means that He will never bring up our sins as evidence to condemn us. He never hauls out our past as leverage against us. Even though He legitimately could, the Lord doesn’t make us feel put down because He was so magnanimous as to forgive us. His forgiveness means total acceptance and restored fellowship with us.

While compassion involves our feelings, forgiveness is primarily a decision. You choose to absorb the wrong and not allow it to be a barrier between you and the other person. The feelings may follow. If you struggle with feeling forgiving after you’ve granted it, do something kind for the one who wronged you. While God never extends forgiveness until there is repentance, He showers those who have wronged Him with repeated kindnesses until they come to repentance. We must do the same, hard as it is to do.

14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

So, because God graciously chose us in love to be set apart to Himself, we should treat others with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, forgiveness and love. His gracious, loving treatment of us is the basis for our treatment of others. Seeing myself as the object of God’s gracious, sovereign love, set apart unto Him, frees me to love even those who are difficult to love. If I’m dependent on the other person’s response for my sense of security, I won’t risk loving someone who might reject me. But if I’m secure in God’s love for me, I’m free to love those who may not return my love. If someone insults me, I’ll feel hurt, but I don’t need to retaliate. I can give a blessing instead (1 Pet. 3:9), because I’m secure in God’s love for me.

15 And let the PEACE that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.

For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.

And always be thankful.

16 Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives.

Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives.

Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.

17 And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

Enjoy the peace that comes when you walk in your design.

Big Idea: We all have character defects.

What are character defects?

These are tendencies you have to do things, feel things, or think things that are negative. These character defects might hurt you or hurt other people. These are the things you wish you could stop doing but for some reason you keep doing them.

You might know exactly what your character defects are, but some you might be blinded to right now. We ask that you spend time thinking about your tendencies, and ask God to reveal these to you.

Psalm 139:23

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

“offensive” here (Hebrew: otseb) means painful or sorrowful either in the mind or the body; it also includes idols in our lives.

What would God say to you, as His precious daughter whom He loves infinitely, if you asked what character defects He sees in you? What tendencies cause you and the people around you pain or sorrow? What tendencies do you have toward idols in your life? or What tendencies lead you toward idols in your life?

No one is exempt from character defects. Everyone has them. Some are easy to see from the outside: spending too much, cheating on your significant other, cutting yourself, gossiping, anger, being impatient, being mean or discourteous, or being selfish. Others are harder to see on the outside but are felt on the inside: jealousy, ungratefulness, depression, apathy, anxiety, insecurity, procrastination, perfectionism, lust, lying, envy, and fear.

If you were completely honest - what would you be willing to acknowledge to yourself? And what would you be courageous enough to confess out loud?

My biggest fear in confessing my character defects to the class, is that you would see me through the lens of my character defects. I worry that you would always remember them and judge me for them. I feel this very real fear each time I say them to someone new. But - that is the very thing that perpetuates my character defects: hiding them, pretending that they don’t exist, trying to deal with them on my own. It would be more comfortable to keep them locked away in the dark, shadowy area of myself. That is not what Jesus has called us to do. He has not asked us to lead a life of comfort; He has asked us to lead a life of fullness. My fullest (“best”) life is not devoid of discomfort or pain, it is seeing the resurrection and redemption of the uncomfortable and painful areas of my life.

How was compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, allowance for your faults (grace), forgiveness and love modeled to you as a child by your family of origin (who raised you or influenced you in your childhood)?

How would you describe yourself in terms of these behaviors on a scale of 1-10, why?

For example

Compassion: My Mother was very compassionate, always looking for the hurting people, always making sure I wasn’t hurting or needed something, my Dad however was always irritated that my mother was compassionate. He often said, what a waste, they need to take care of themselves.

I am probably a 3 on compassion, I see when people are hurting but often don’t do anything about it.

Compassion

Kindness

Humility

Gentleness

Patience

Grace

Forgiveness

Love

COMPLETE THE CHARACTER DEFECT WORKSHEET THEN CHOOSE ONE DEFECT THAT YOU STRUGGLE THE MOST WITH AND COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS.

NAME THE CHARACTER DEFECT THAT YOU ARE EXHIBITING IN YOUR LIF

WHAT WAS THE LAST CIRCUMSTANCE THAT YOU ACTED OUT IN THAT CHARACTER DEFECT

HAS ANYONE SHARED CONCERNS ABOUT THAT BEHAVIOR IN THE PAST? (FAMILY, FRIENDS, ETC.)

LOOKING AT THE PATTERN WHERE YOU ACT OUT IN THE BEHAVIOR, IS THERE ANY SITUATIONS, STRESS OR TRIGGERS THAT CAUSE THIS?

HOW LONG HAS THIS TRAIT BEEN A PART OF YOUR LIFE?

DO YOU SEE THIS CHARACTER DEFECT IN YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN?

WHAT DOES DOING THE BEHAVIOR GIVE YOU?

WHAT IMPACT DOES THIS BEHAVIOR HAVE ON YOU NEGATIVELY?

WHAT IMPACT DOES THIS BEHAVIOR HAVE ON OTHERS AROUND YOU?

DOES THIS CHARACTER DEFECT LINE UP WITH VALUES? HOW DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL?