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Lesson 7
Review Week 5/6
Big ideas:
Jesus chose death to stop judgement.
Jesus taught us not to absorb shame.
Shame causes isolation which removes one of the key ingredients to growth and healing, connection.
God gave us emotions and they can serve as a tool to teach us.
Emotions drive our behaviors, positive and negative.
Follow up on our class discussion of what are we to do with sin. Grace abounds for forgiveness of sins. More than that, there is abundance of grace to bring us to a life of overcoming sin. Paul writes in Romans 5:20, “Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more.” He also writes earlier in Romans 5:17, “Much more will those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.” Paul continues in Romans 6:14, “For sin will not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.”
Taking on shame because of your sin puts you at risk of increasing that destructive behavior. It also put you at risk of hiding your sin from yourself, others and God, leaving it in the dark were sin grows. Remember Jesus taught us not to cut ourselves down with judgement and shame. He taught us to give ourselves over to him, to the Gardner to weed and fertilize our lives. If we don't accept God's grace for our sin we are not accessing the power of grace to change us. We are refusing to be weeded and fertilized. Don’t allow shame to steal the power of grace to change you into the likeness of Jesus the one whose image we are made in, who knows perfectly well what kind of life will bring joy.
LESSON 7
Big ideas:
So far the word of God has taught us that there are several ingredients necessary for our work here.
Grace + Truth + Time + RELATIONSHIPS = Recovery or Growth
Leaving out one of the key ingredients in our recovery could hinder either. Let’s explore each ingredient.
Grace
We can stop judging our behaviors and others, reject shame and accept God's gift of grace. Grace is accepting ourselves as imperfect people fully deserving love. Grace brings the power to change.
Recovery with No grace looks like shame, keeping you stuck where you are.
Truth
Truth is bringing things out of the darkness and into the light. We can only bring to light things that we are conscious of however. We use self reflection to see truth but we also need the help of other to work through our blind spots. God asks us to share those things with God and another person.
Recovery without truth will result in a false sense of recovery. Some decide digging out truth is to hard, too painful, however can not heal or grow from something we do not acknowledge.
Time
God has given us time to heal and grow. There is no healthy shortcuts.
If we give our spiritual growth the time and effort it will takes we will grow strong roots.
If we leave Time out of our recovery it will be a superficial transformation, weak roots. If we don’t fully recovery we are vulnerable to future storms blowing our weak roots out of the ground.
Relationships
God created us for relationships and love. We can learn what we do that builds strong, authentic, relationships and use the power of those relationships to aid us in our growth. We find our true self in relationships which aids us in truth.
If we try to leave relationships out and take on “I can do it alone” we are setting ourselves up for failure and incomplete healing. Choosing not to engage in relationships leaves you isolated and at risk, a place God never meant for us.
Attachment, bonding & more on relationships
Because we find it so difficult to have the deep meaning relationships and community we need to recover we are going to dig a little to reveal things that could be hindering your ability to have this key ingredient, relationship.
Big ideas:
Relationships are a key ingredient for spiritual recovery.
Your attachment to your parents or primary care givers affect your ability to create healthy relationships later in life as well as affect your relationship with God.
While your attachment style is primarily formed by the care you received as a child it is also affected by the other significant relationships in your life.
Remember God’s commandment in Matthew 22:37-40 (NLT)
“Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”
Jesus taught us we were created to thrive, grow and to experience and give love. We need to be able to attach to, bond with other human beings and God and create relationships where you experience love. Without relationship or love, recovery in your spiritual life is like trying to grow and tree without soil.
Our attachment experience
When you were first born, who lived with you? Who took care of you? Who made up your world? We all form attachments as little babies. It is through this relationship that we learn everything about the world. Their world starts small: one house with a few people in it, and then expands as they get older.
So the question is: what was your world like? Was your father angry, absent? Was your mother nurturing or cold? Healthy bondings and attachment with a parent would look like your physical & social needs were met, this allows you to trust, which gives you the security to step out and become independent, leading you to a world with additional relationships, community.
What is our motivation to think about or process our relationships with parents and or the people who raised you? Because we want healing, recovery and growth. We are looking for things that break down your ability to have health, strong relationships with God and others. Your prior attachments affect how you attach, who you bond with, what how you form relationships with God and others.
These prior relationships have also have taught you what love looks like. It will affect how you give and receive love which greatly affect your future relationships.
The opposite of bonding, attachments and relationship is isolation. Remember God made us for connection. We see this pattern in all of creation, everything is connected to something if it is going to grow.
Isolation also leads us to a perpetual state of need as we look for something to fill the hole left in the place of love. Unhealthy thoughts and destructive behaviors such as addictions are often used to fill that hole. Ultimately isolation will leads us to deny our God given need for relationships.
Homework
Plot your attachments on the model above.
How would you describe your relationships growing up?
How would you describe your relationships in your family of origin?
Were you taught 1 Cor 13:4 by your parents or someone else?
Were you taught that LOVE WAS:
Patient? Kind?
Truthful? Persevering?
Hopeful? Faithful?
Enduring? Forever?
Were you taught that love WAS NOT:
Jealous? Boastful?
Prideful? Rude?
Demanding of his/her own way?
Irritable?
Keeping a record of your wrongs?
Rejoicing about injustice?
Many didn’t learn the love from 1 Cor 13:4 growing up. You probably didn’t either because this is a perfect love that comes from our perfect God. Even if our parents tried to teach us this love, our parents were imperfect people, living in an imperfect world.
What were you taught instead?
Do you have any of the issues listed below connected to lack of bonding, relationships or isolation? How do they affect your life?
DepressionGuilt/ShameAddictions
Distorted thinking of ourselves, others and God
Emptiness
Sadness
Fear of Intimacy
Panic
Rage
Excessive Caretaking
Idealization of relationships
Substitution for failed relationships
Projection of feelings onto others
Based on the model above what is your attachment style?
Is there anything about it you would like to be different?