Lesson 8

Review Week 7

The big ideas:

God is in constant relationship with the Holy Spirit and the Son. God is the Great "we". He created us in his image, therefore we are designed to be in relationship.
To be in healthy relationship we need to look at ourselves and how we interact with others. Our attachment style is one way to do this.
There are four attachment styles:

SECURE - low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship (whether or not someone will leave). "It is easy for me get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about some getting too close to me."

ANXIOUS - Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. "I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't love or value me and will abandon me. My need for closeness scares people away."

AVOIDANT - High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner's availability. "I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being."

DISORGANiZED/ FEARFUL - High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy and worried about partner's commitment and love. "I am uncomfortable getting close to others, and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner."

Our attachment style starts from our first relationships, however our experiences good and bad at any age can change the trajectory of our attachment, and affect our ability to maintain healthy relationships.

Week 8 Separation/Boundaries

Big idea:

Boundaries display the fruit of self control.
Healthy boundaries also display self control, self value, valuing others and love.
Jesus modeled boundaries in His life and ministry.

In childhood, healthy attachment with our caregivers gives us the freedom to then separate and become independent. Separation is part of secure attachments. For our purposes we will be discussing a type of separation in adulthood we call boundaries.Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They are like property lines around around a home. This is my property, this is not my property. This is me and what I value, need or feel and this isn’t. It defines your personhood, who you are.

The heart of boundaries is the fruit of self control. We control what we let in our life and what we send out from our lives. We see self control displayed in the life of Jesus not only as responds to being tempted but also in the boundaries He created for himself. Jesus acknowledges the limitations He put on himself as a human and uses boundaries as a way to remain healthy. He knew His physical and emotional limitations and was proactive in caring for Himself. This displays the value He placed on himself, his identity & His ministry. He said no to people, withdrew from crowds and retreated to a place to be refreshed, He did not take on the insults of the pharisees, He spent time alone with the Father, He prioritized his close friendships, He told his mother and brother no when they tried to pull him away from His ministry. He valued Himself and was a good steward of His gifts. He only sacrificed His life when His earthly ministry was complete and for a great gain for all. He didn’t sacrifice Himself for nothing.

Boundaries also display self value in our own lives. A lack of boundaries could be an alarm that you do not value yourself as God values you. Do you value yourself as a child of God? Do you consider your own wellbeing as you consider others? Some have gotten the message, at all cost, or sacrifice yourself like Jesus. We don’t honor ourselves as image bearers of God when we have no boundaries. We aren’t ask to sacrifice ourselves for the sack of nothing. We can squander our gifts when we burn out. We believe we have to say yes to every need or request or we are selfish. We sacrifice our mental and physical health to the point of losing our ability to use our gifts. If you are sick, depressed or burned out how can you minister to your family and others. Lack of boundaries can even set you up for sin as you react out of frustration, exhaustion or resentment. If you allow yourself to be used how does that reflect to others as your value as a daughter of God?

Boundaries can also communicate love. Boundaries increase your capacity to love and offer empathy to others because you eliminate resentment, burnout and other harm. Boundaries also prevent you from enabling sin in others and yourself as well.

One of the alarms you can use to assess if you need to work on boundaries is assessing your heart in serving or giving. Are you a cheerful giver of your money, time or talents, or are you resentful, angry and feel that you are giving out of obligation?

Boundaries can be an expression of love for yourself and others.

Because I love myself and you ...

God loves me and I love myself so much I will not allow you to abuse me and destroy my personhood.
I will not talk to you if you are yelling at me, I value myself more than that, I am tempted to yell back and lose my own temper which I am not willing to do.

I am going to stop saving you from the consequence of your temper with family. This is motivated by the desire that the person will be faced with the damage they are doing, feel the impact, grieve and receive grace from God that heals.
I will not be giving you anymore money to pay your bills because you are using your money to take drugs or as a way not to work enough hours or find another job.
I will not bring you your back pack when you forget it and save you from a bad grade when you can do it by yourself.
I will not continue to live with you if you continue to drink. I am choosing to protect our children and myself. I am choosing to let you hit rock bottom because so far keeping you afloat has only allowed you to stay drunk.

Notice these boundaries are not intended to hurt the other person they are intended to value them, to get out of the way and allow God to convict and change them. You can not control their behavior but you can control your own. Titus 2:12 states it's part of the human experience to want to control.

We should always explore the motivation behind our boundaries. Boundaries aren’t God honoring if they are made in a effort to control or manipulate another person. God values free will. Boundaries aren’t biblical if you are using them to punish someone. God values peace and mercy in relationships. Self control displayed in boundaries will look like a fruit of the spirit

Hula hoop

You can speak of boundaries in term of what you let into the hula hoop and what you send out of the hula hoop. What behavior you allow yourself to act out and send into the world and what behavior you will allow in your life from another person.

The hula hoop is a concrete way to show what is my stuff and what is not my stuff. The hula hoop shows the separation between myself and another. It shows what I am in charge of and what I am not in charge of. I have a responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I do not have responsibility over others thoughts, feelings, or actions.

For example: I will walk away when you are continually criticizing me or tearing me down. Another choice would be I will allow you to say whatever you want but I will not take what you are saying as truth and believe it about myself.

Our hula hoop represents ourselves. Inside of it lies all our ideas, feelings, and behaviors. We are responsible for our hula hoop. Other people are responsible for their hula hoop. What would being responsible for your hula hoop look like? And what would NOT taking on the responsibility of someone else’s hula hoop look like?

Maybe you haven’t thought about boundaries like this before. Maybe boundaries has been a “bad” word for you, or just a foreign word. Boundaries say: “you can come this far, but no farther.” Have you loved and respected the person inside your hula hoop? Do you think she is worth protecting? Maybe the other people in your life who were supposed to protect you and care for you, didn’t. Can you change the narrative that you were given? Can you hear the voice of God saying truth: you are loved, you are wanted, you are special, you are amazing, you have Christ living inside you, you are good? How have you been protecting this person and her heart? Would you like to change how you have been protecting this person and her heart?

There are physical, mental, emotional, sexual, material and time boundaries to name a few.

Physical boundaries have to do with personal space and touch. Physical boundaries also have to do with health and wellness.

I will not allow you to touch my back.
I will not eat foods that are not healthy for my body.
I will attempt to get 8 hours of sleep.

Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas. They should include respect for others and appropriate conversation. Your boundaries are violated if someone belittles or invalidates you.

I will not needlessly criticize my children.
I will not talk about sex in front of other men.
I will walk away if you tell a racist jokes.
I will not allow you to make me feel ugly.
I will not belittle your feelings.
I will validate my husband's feelings.

Sexual boundaries respect the limitation of the desires between partners. Sexual comments, leering or pressure to have sex is a boundary violation.

I will not have sex with you.
I will call you out for making a sexual comment.

Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. What is shared and what is not from you and with you.

I will not pay your overdue bills.
I will not overspend my budget.
I will use our shared money responsibly.
We will both have control over our finances.

Time boundaries refer to how a person uses there time. Healthy time boundaries would include enough time to engage in the activities you need and enjoy.

I will not stare at FB for 5 hours.
I will set limits on my appointments, phone calls.
I will make time for my husbands, children and friends.

Types of boundaries.

Rigid and too restrictive. "I will not trust anyone again."
Weak and passive. "I say yes to whatever someone wants from me, even when I want to say no.
Healthy. I can say no to the things that are unhealthy and make me feel bad and yes to the healthy things without guilt and shame.