Lesson 7
Review from last week:
Jesus chose death to stop judgement & shame.
Jesus rejected shame.
Shame causes isolation which removes one of the key ingredients to growth and healing, connection.
God gave us emotions and they can serve as a tool to teach us.
Emotions drive our behaviors, positive and negative.
Grace abounds for forgiveness of sins. More than that, there is abundance of grace to bring us to a life of overcoming sin. Paul writes in Romans 5:20, “Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more.” He also writes earlier in Romans 5:17, “Much more will those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.” Paul continues in Romans 6:14, “For sin will not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.”
Taking on shame because of your sin puts you at risk of increasing that destructive behavior. It also put you at risk of hiding your sin from yourself, others and God, leaving it in the dark. Remember Jesus taught us not to cut ourselves down with judgement. If we don't accept God's grace for our sin we are not accessing the power of grace to change us.
Lesson 7 Big ideas:
Relationships are a key ingredient for spiritual recovery.
Jesus is the perfect display of love.
Your attachment to your parents or primary care givers affect your ability to create healthy relationships later in life as well as affect your relationship with God.
While your attachment style is primarily formed by the care you received as a child it is also affected good or bad by the other significant relationships in your life.
WE NEED THEM ALL: Grace + Truth + Time + RELATIONSHIPS = Recovery or Growth
So far the word of God has taught us that there are several ingredients necessary for our work here. Leaving out one of the key ingredients in our recovery could hinder our growth.
No grace +Time + Truth + Relationships = Shame, stunted healing & growth
Some leave out grace and find themselves covered in shame which eventually will cut you down.
Grace can help us stop judging our behaviors and others, reject shame and accept God's gift of grace. Grace is accepting ourselves as imperfect people fully deserving love. Grace brings the power to change.
No truth+Time + Grace + Relationships = No sustainable change or healing.
Some decide digging out truth is too hard and try to cover over it with good behavior. We can not heal from something we do not acknowledge. Truth is bringing things out of the darkness and into the light by sharing those things with God and another person. We can only bring to light things that we are conscious of. We use self reflection to see truth but we also need the help of other to work through our blind spots.
No Time + Grace + Truth + Relationships = Superficial transformation, weak roots.
A lot of people decide to take time out of this equation and think transformation comes without the work and patience. God has given us time to heal and grow. There is no healthy shortcuts.
If we give our spiritual growth the time and effort it will takes we will grow strong roots.
No Relationships + Time + Grace + Truth = Isolation
Others leave out relationships and take on “I can do it alone”. We pull away from our friends and God or don’t make our healthy relationships a priority. This leads us to isolation, a place God never meant for us to be. It puts us at a higher risk for sin, destructive behaviors and thoughts.
WHY WE MAY STRUGGLE TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS
Because we find it so difficult to have the deep meaning relationships and community, we are going to dig a little to reveal things that could be hindering your ability to have this key ingredient to spiritual health and growth, relationship.
Remember God is teaching us how we were created to live in love & freedom, let look at Matthew 22:37-40 (NLT).
“Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”
We were created to thrive and grow and experience and give love. We can only experience love in relationship. We need to be able to attach too & bond with other human beings and God and create relationships. Without relationship or love, recovery in your spiritual life is like trying to grow and tree without soil.
When you were first born, who lived with you? Who took care of you? Who comprised your world? We all form attachments as little babies, without these attachments babies fail to thrive and grow even if they are given the food they need. It is through this relationship that we learn everything about the world. Their world starts small: one house with a few people in it, and then expands as they get older. So the question is: what was your world like? Was your father angry, absent? Was your mother nurturing or cold? Healthy bondings and attachment with a parent would look like your physical & social needs were met, this allows you to trust, which gives you the security to step out and become independent, leading you to a world with additional relationships, community.
What is our motivation to think about or process our relationships with parents and or the people who raised you and your other significant relationships? Because we want healing, recovery and growth. We are looking for things that break down your ability to have health, strong relationships with God and others. Your prior attachments effect how you attach, who you bond with, what how you form relationships with God and others.
These prior relationships have also have taught you what love looks like. It will affect how you give and receive love which greatly affect your future relationships. Please don’t be discouraged if you realize your parents or caregivers were abusive or absent physically or emotionally. You can learn what love and trust look and feel like from God and others as you experience safe and loving people. It’s never too late.
ISOLATION
The opposite of bonding, attachments and relationship is isolation. Remember God made us for connection. We see this pattern in all of creation, everything is connected to something if it is going to grow.
Isolation also leads us to a perpetual state of need as we look for something to fill the hole left in the place of love. Unhealthy thoughts and destructive behaviors such as addictions are often used to fill that hole. Ultimately isolation will leads us to deny our God given need for relationships and set us up to sin.
HOMEWORK
1. Plot the attachment style for your for significant family members and any other significant relationship or friend, on the chart in the lesson? Describe any patterns you see.
2. What does our relationships look like in your life now, with your husband, children, friends & friends? (Close, distant, absent, loving, close, etc.)
3. How would you describe your relationship with your parents or the people who raised you (family of origin)?
4. Read the scripture 1 Corinthians 13:4 it teaches what love looks like.
Were you taught that love was: Patient? Kind? Truthful? Persevering? Hopeful? Faithful? Enduring? Forever?
Were you taught that love was not: Jealous? Boastful? Prideful? Rude? Demanding of his/her own way? Irritable? Keeping a record of your wrongs? Rejoicing about injustice?
5. Many of us didn’t learn the fullness of love taught in 1 Cor. 13:4 growing up. This is a perfect love that comes from our perfect God. Even if our parents tried to teach us this love, our parents were imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. What were you taught instead?
6. What other significant relationships do you feel have effected your attachment style for the good or bad? Please explain.
7. We know isolation is destructive. Circle any of the issues listed below that you struggle with that are connected to isolation? How do they affect your life?
Loneliness
Sadness
Emptiness
Depression
Guilt/Shame
Addictions
Distorted thinking of ourselves, others and God
Fear of Intimacy
Anxiety
Panic
Rage
Anything else you discover