Lesson 15 Courageous heart work
I will look for those that are lost, I will bring back those that wander off, bandage those that are hurt, and heal those that are sick. Ezekiel 34:16
Last week
We talked about the process of joining God in your transformation through completing your heart work. Transforming yourself into the likeness of Christ, your original design. Recovering of the damaged parts of us that have obscured who we were meant to be.
We used the term heart work to encompass the work of processing our life experiences and the damage done by them. Those experiences that have left us, sad, resentful or angry or just broken. We will do this in class today.
After exploring our damaging life experience to the fullest extent we are capable of we will then turn our gaze to the areas within those experiences that we have control over in the weeks to come.
We decided we would enter Step 4 with reverence and with care. For that reason we want to set some safety guidelines to help you pick what to process initially. As we start to dig through our past, many people will have sexual abuse in their stories. It is actually more the norm than not. This type of abuse creates particular holes in the heart and needs to be addressed and processed in a very specialized way. Sexual abuse needs to be processed in depth in order to be set free from the mountain of hurt that was created. There are a few reasons we feel it would be irresponsible for us to attempt to process your abuse if you have not processed it with a professional:
There is a systematic way to process that type of abuse that would be better suited for a time set aside specifically for this issue. Separate sexual abuse groups or studies would be best. Processing your abuse through the book The journey to hope is one choice.
You need a plan on how to tolerate those memories so you can function in your everyday life if the emotions attached to them become stronger than you anticipated. There are tools like grounding, EMDR, imagery, meditation that can help you.
Processing sexual abuse can take longer than our class allows and we do not want to leave you mid process.
Processing sexual abuse or hearing about sexual abuse is not something that we are afraid of and I don’t want you to be afraid of it either. You can and will heal from it.
What I want everyone to hear is that we take our stories - your stories - very seriously and we don’t want anyone to be re-victimized or re-traumatized in here because she didn’t get to process the abuse properly.
Maybe you have never gone back into your story and as you start to now, you uncover sexual abuse. This may be the place you admit you were abused for the first time. Please be honest with yourself and group about that and realize for now the full processing of that abuse can be put into a box for safe keeping to be opened in a better suited environment. But by no means am I saying it should go into a box and stay there hidden. I am highly encouraging you to fully process through your abuse with either an individual therapist or a sexual abuse group.
Some examples of this might look like: I just realize my family member sexually abused me when I was 10; I think the sexual abuse I experienced when I was a teenager is connected to some of my issues with having sex with my husband; when I was 23 I was date raped and I can see that my reactions around men are fear based and I think it might go back to that experience in my life. Does that make sense? What do you hear me saying about sexual abuse?
I am also not saying we do not want you to talk about your abuse. Your abuse offers insight about you. The purpose of this class is to find both grace and truth in our stories. So please don’t filter yourself or deny any abuse in your past. Every time something related to sexual abuse comes up, we want to hear about it and help you see truth in it. We just don’t want you to dive into the memories and details of that abuse for the resentment we are processing now.
Again, if you have been sexually assaulted in anyway please speak to Tara or Julie to discuss how we can help. We want to know and offer you some concrete suggestions of how to heal from that.
So now, in thinking of the person you choose to take through the steps, if it is someone who has sexually abused you, I would encourage you to pick someone else. If there is a parent that you have any twinge of an impure heart toward, we would highly encourage you to choose that person. Does everyone have it narrowed down to the one person you are taking through the steps? Today we want to take time to begin processing your hurt. We know that setting aside time at home is super difficult and we really believe in this journey, so we want to create that space for you here. Here are some prompts to help you process this person or event in your life. You can answer the questions or just start writing.
For example, I resent my Mom, for constantly criticizing through out my life. Nothing I did was ever good enough. If I made all A’s and one C she would scream at me about the C and call me stupid. I was always on eggshells around her. I started to believe that there must of been something wrong with me. I did start to avoid her because she always made me feel bad about myself. The older I have gotten the more resentful I have become because I see how wrong it was for her to do that. Etc.
Prompts for journaling
What person hurt you, had a negative impact on your life or damaged you past or present?
When you think of that person do you feel resentful or afraid?
What other emotions do you feel when you think of that person? Sad, angry, frustrated, have you distanced yourself from them, do you avoid them. Look at your feelings chart if you are having a hard time.
Do you feel like it is wrong for having those feelings? Why?
If it is someone you love do you feel like you are betraying them by exploring this hurt? Why? (Remember no one is all good or all bad, we all make mistakes and hurt people and that does not mean you are saying that person is a bad person).
How have you coped with those feelings until today, have you used denial, minimizing, excusing to cope with your feelings towards that person?
How did that person hurt you?
Do you feel abused in any way?
Active abuse: Verbal, physical, sexual
Passive abuse: Emotional, abandonment, neglect
Spiritual abuse: Controlling behavior, unbiblical teaching extra biblical teaching, shame
How old were you when this happened?
Write specific hurtful actions that effected your life?
What part of you was hurt, threatened, effected or interfered with? Write what the damage looks like.
How did it effect your …
Physical health
Mental health
Self esteem
Future success
Other relationships
Sexual identity or behavior
Relationship with God
Trust of God
Distortions of who God is
Distortions of who you are