Step 5 continued,Amends
Step 5 I choose peace and mercy in my relationships.
Click here for the Who have you hurt? worksheet
Step 5 is about taking all of our internal digging and transformation out into our lives and into our relationships.
Happy are the merciful. (Mat 5:7)
Happy are the peacemakers. (Mat 5:9)
There is another choice we can make in addition to forgiveness while choosing peace and mercy in our relationships. Amends. When seeking amends we are the one apologizing and seeking forgiveness, we are the one attempting to right our wrong choices or destructive behavior that hurt another.
Amends might look like paying someone back that you stole from. Amends might look like saying you are sorry for the pain you have caused in someone else’s life or asking someone to forgive you.
There are 2 situations that will will discuss for opportunities to make amends.
1.Have you hurt someone you need to make amends to? Did the holes in your hurt cause you to hurt another? Did you lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, control, ignore, etc. someone?
2. Do you need to make amends to the person you resent and are actually trying to forgive? Did you hurt the person hurting you? Can you own any part of the destruction in the relationship.
*IN THE CASE OF ABUSE YOU DO NOT NEED TO OWN ANY PART OF YOUR ABUSE. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are only responsible for you and your behavior even if that destructive behavior was created because of the abuse. THAT IN NO WAY MEANS TO BLAME YOU FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
Once you took a hard look at your destructive responses, you may have seen the way you have hurt others. It is important to make a list of these persons and then go to each of them to make amends for our wrongs in the same way. This does not mean that we make a long speech about why we acted out in the way we did. This does not mean we go into the process we went through in the class to arrive at this moment, standing in front of them. This means we simply speak our wrong and our remorse in the most concise, honest, and humble way. Easier said than done, I know. This is the step with the most action in it.
Will we chose to live out the life of Jesus?
Will we chose to live out our spirituality?
Everyday will we choose the way of mercy, humility, gentleness, forgiveness, compassion, patience, tolerance, kindness, and love? This is what it truly means to be a Christ follower. There is no way to “white knuckle” it. There is no short cut to this. You have done tremendous work to come to the point to be able to make this decision. And will we fail? Yes. Will we then seek the path back toward this? It will always be waiting for us and now we know the way…
When you look at our destructive responses with honest humility, we likely see how we have hurt the others and even the person who hurt us as. When we surrender to the transformational process, we get to the root of our destructive responses and sin and change our behaviors, attitudes and thoughts into the mind and heart of Christ. Now, we can go back and rectify earlier wrongs in appropriate ways to those we have hurt. This process as a way of life keeps us continually humble and is a blessing to us.
Blessed are those who seek mercy and peace.
There are some rules to be mindful of in order to keep ourselves and others safe in this mending process. If engaging in any way with the person would do them, ourselves, or any one else harm, we should not move forward. If this is the case, we can find another more appropriate route for the mending process. Harm in this sense, does not mean temporary discomfort because of taking ownership of our actions.
Picture for a moment a piece of rope that represents your relationship with the other person. When there has been a hurt, the rope is cut in two. The mending process is tying that rope back together. When it is tied back together, the rope is actually shorter. This can signify a closer relationship, if both parties are willing to move forward together.
An example of this would be when I processed my abandonment by my father. After I fully journaled and processed my narrative, wrote my paragraph, my sentence was: I hold resentment toward my dad because he abandoned me - he was not there for me emotionally, mentally, or physically. I created a ritual, or forgiveness exercise where I journaled and wrote out my forgiveness. Then I prayed for God to create a space - a time, place, and opportunity - for me to have a mending conversation with my dad. God created this and because I was looking for it, I recognized it. I had already explored my destructive responses thoroughly and knew that I had hurt him back because I continually felt rejected by him. I held resentment, negativity, even hate in my heart for him. I constantly looked for ways to “test” his love for me that would fail and end in more rejection, resentment, hurt, and anger. This went on for decades. When I finally let go of the resentment I held and forgave him, I let go of the past. I no longer saw all the ways he hurt me for all those years when I looked at him. I saw him for him. I saw both light and dark resided in him just as it did me. The resentment I held blocked my view so badly that all I saw was hurt, not a person. Somewhere in this process I was transformed. I no longer judged his behavior toward me and quit creating those “tests” in my mind. I made the conscious decision to stop looking for all the ways he didn’t love me [in the way I wanted to be loved], and started looking for the ways he did love me or was trying to love me. I realized he too had holes in his heart. And the extent to which he could love me was in between those holes. He was doing the best he knew how to do. When I finally mustered up the courage to open my mouth, I prayed God would give me the words. God showed up so spectacularly in that moment and I will never forget it. I will never forget the look in my dad’s eyes, his face, or the love I felt in that moment. I was expecting none of it. I was not looking for any outcome, just confessing my sin in the relationship. My words were short and sweet. I did not mention the hurt done to me, I did not mention I had forgiven him, I did not mention I was in a class and chose to take him through the steps. The truth I spoke went something like: Dad, I want to tell you that I love you. I realize that you’ve always tried your best to be a good dad to me. I haven’t made that easy through the years, and I am sorry. That was all I said with my words, but my posture toward him was humble and my heart was pure. I held zero resentment, animosity, or negativity toward him. My heart said so much more. My heart silently whispered: I forgive you, and I from now on when I look at you I will see you and not all those past hurts. I am moving forward without that weight and baggage. I chose peace and mercy in this relationship. I will be truthful and honest with you. I will process any future hurt or sting of rejection in the moment as only that hurt and not compounded with any past hurt. His words back were sweet and full of love as well.
This might not be a realistic picture of what happens during a mending conversation. The sole purpose is for you to mark a re-entering into the relationship in a new and different way because of the transformation you have undergone. As part of this new and different way of interacting in relationship with this person, you are taking responsibility for your actions and ways that you have hurt that person - regardless if this person takes responsibility for theirs. We can only be in charge our own hula hoop, not theirs.