Lesson 8
Review Week 7
God is in constant relationship with the Holy Spirit and the Son. God is the Great "we". He created us in his image and we are designed to be in relationship as well.
There are reasons we don’t have the life giving relationships in our lives that we need to thrive.
We can look at ourselves and how we interact with others through our attachment style to gain insight.
There are secure and insecure attachment styles which vary depending on how secure you feel about being in a relationship, how safe you feel people are and if you feel that your worth is measured through God’s value of you or other’s value of you.
Our attachment style starts from our first relationships, however our experiences good and bad at any age can change the trajectory of our attachment, and affect our ability to maintain healthy relationships.
Week 8 Separation/Boundaries
Big idea:
Healthy boundaries display of the fruit of self control, love and the display self value, valuing others
Jesus modeled boundaries in His life and ministry. Boundaries for himself and boundaries for others.
Boundaries increase your capacity to love and grow as an image bearer of God.
Lack of boundaries put you at risk of sin and destructive responses.
In childhood, healthy attachment with our caregivers gives us the freedom to then separate and become independent. One way we separate is through boundaries. We begin to set healthy boundaries which define us as a separate person with their own thoughts, feelings, needs and behaviors. Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They are like property lines around around a home. This is my property, this is not my property. It defines your personhood, who you are.
Let’s think of our boundaries like a hula hoop. Your boundaries control what you let into the hula hoop and what you send out of the hula hoop. What behavior you allow yourself to act out and send into the world and what behavior you will allow in your life from another person. The hula hoop is a concrete way to show what is my stuff and what is not my stuff. The hula hoop shows the separation between myself and another. It shows what I am in charge of and what I am not in charge of. I have a responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I do not have responsibility over others thoughts, feelings, or actions.
What would being responsible for your hula hoop look like? And what would NOT taking on the responsibility of someone else’s hula hoop look like?
For example I will not allow you to continually criticize me and tear me down. I can set a boundary where I will walk away when you begin to verbally assault me. I could also choose to listen when you are criticizing me or tearing me down but I will not take what you are saying as truth and believe it about myself in a way that destroys who I know God created me to be. Maybe you haven’t thought about boundaries like this before. Maybe boundaries has been a “bad” word for you, or just a foreign word.
Have you loved and respected the person inside your hula hoop? Do you think she is worth protecting? Maybe the other people in your life who were supposed to protect you and care for you, didn’t. Can you change the narrative that you were given? Can you hear the voice of God saying truth: you are loved, you are wanted, you are special, you are amazing, you have Christ living inside you, you are good? How have you been protecting this person and her heart? Would you like to change how you have been protecting this person and her heart?
At the heart of boundaries is the fruit of self control and valuing yourself and others as a person made in God’s image. We control what we let in our life and what we send out from our lives. It can serve to protect you or the person in your life.
Jesus displayed self control and valuing himself and others in his life. We see boundaries not only for himself when he was tempted but also in the boundaries He created for others. Jesus acknowledges the limitations He put on himself as a human and uses boundaries as a way to remain healthy. He knew His physical and emotional limitations and was proactive in caring for Himself. This displays the value He placed on himself, his identity & His ministry. He said no to people, withdrew from crowds and retreated to a place to be refreshed, He did not take on the insults of the pharisees, He spent time alone with the Father, He prioritized his close friendships, He told his mother and brother no when they tried to pull him away from His ministry. He valued Himself and was a good steward of His gifts. He only sacrificed His life when His earthly ministry was complete and for a great gain for all.
Do you value yourself as a child of God? Do you consider your own wellbeing as you consider others?
“Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1).
God actually considers you His very own precious child. We don’t honor ourselves as children of God when we have no boundaries. We can squander our God given gifts when we burn out. Are you a good steward of your gifts or are you so exhausted and resentful that you are no longer effective? We believe we have to say yes to every need or request or we are selfish, then we become resentful, angry or find ourselves sinning because we can not cope. We sacrifice our mental and physical health to the point of losing our ability to use our gifts. If you are sick, depressed or burned out how can you minister to your family and others. Lack of boundaries can also set you up for sin as you react out of frustration, exhaustion or resentment. If you allow yourself to be used how does that reflect to others as your value as a daughter of God?
Do you value others as children as God as well? Boundaries can display love by preventing you from hurting other but also by preventing you from enabling sin in others.
Here are a few examples of a boundary:
I will not allow you to abuse me and destroy my personhood. (This values the image of God in you.)
I will not stay in the room with you if you are yelling at me, I would love to continue this conversation when you are ready to talk. (I value you myself and I am also tempted to sin in my anger when this happens).
I am going to stop saving you from the consequence of your temper with family. (This values you as a child of God by allowing your sin to have consequences that you made need to motivate you to seek out God and change.)
I will not be giving you anymore money to pay your bills because you are using your money to take drugs. (This values the other person by not enabling them to destroy themselves).
I will not bring you your back pack when you forget it and save you from a bad grade when you can do it by yourself. (This values to the development of your child’s responsibility and displays that you value your own time.)
I will not continue to live with you if you continue to drink. (This values the mental and physical wellbeing of your children and yourself as well as valuing your husband by letting him hit rock bottom so his destructive sin can be dealt with.)
Notice these boundaries are not intended to hurt the other person they are intended to value them, to get out of the way and allow God to convict and heal them. You can not control their behavior but you can control your own.
We should always explore the motivation behind our boundaries. Because God values free will, boundaries aren’t God honoring if they are made in an effort to control or manipulate another person or if you are using them to punish someone. God values peace and mercy in relationships.
HOMEWORK
How is making boundaries a display of the fruit of the spirit of self control and love?
Can you give 1 example of how Jesus made a boundary?
Do you feel guilty making boundaries with people, why?
Name 3 boundaries you need to establish with other in your life and why?
Name 3 boundaries you need to make for yourself and why?
What is preventing you from making the boundaries that you want in your life?
What are you avoiding by not making a boundary for yourself or another?
Do you blame your anger, discontentment, physical or emotional wellbeing on another human being? What boundary could you create to heal those traits