Lesson 4
We previously discussed how we are created to live in community. In order to have a healthy community we need to learn what we can bring into the relationships in our community to foster connection. Love is foundational to our connection.
We learn in 1 John, that God is love, if we are created in God’s image then love is programmed into our DNA and is at the essence of who we are. If love only exists in relationship then we are also programmed for relationships.
1 John 4:7-21 My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.
Love unchanged by circumstance. Love that is sacrificial. Love that is an action not a feeling.
In 1 John we are commanded to love each other. Let’s look at the characteristics in us that express love well and God’s gracious, loving treatment of us as the prescription for living a life of love.
Looking at Colossians 3:1-17 Paul gives us a prescription for healthy relationships.
Here are excerpts of that scripture.
“1Since you have been raised to new life with Christ…, 4 And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.
5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world…8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. 10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,[c] circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,[d] slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.
12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.”
*I will be using a article titled: Healthy Relationships, see the link for a the full article. https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-21-healthy-relationships-colossians-312-13
Notice Paul is asking us to focus on OUR behavior, not the behaviors of others. That being said we all have people in our lives that are virtually impossible to have a good relationship with. Paul acknowledges that is Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Sometimes no matter what you do it will be hard to get along with some people but often if you treat a difficult person with the qualities Paul enumerates in Colossians you may see a positive change in the way that person responds to you. Even if a relationships never improves, you have remained healthy and christ-like.
When we are not identifying with with God as love and as we were created to love, behavior starts to look a lot different. Paul in versus 5-9 gives us a list of behaviors that should serve as an alarm that you are walking outside of love. Sexual impurity, evil desires, greed, idolatry, worshipping things of this world, anger, rage malicious behavior, slander or gossip or lying.
Paul also reminds us that we have been designed with a new nature, you were created to be, like HIM. Process things through the eyes of Jesus or the Holy Spirit within you. These character traits will not make sense to the world. But we see these character qualities are modeled in Jesus. He was compassionate and kind (Matt. 9:36; 14:14), humble and gentle (Matt. 11:29), patient, forbearing, and forgiving (1 Pet. 2:23; Luke 23:34). He is our great example of what God or love in the flesh looks like. As we learn to put on these qualities, we’re really putting on Christ (Rom. 13:14) and becoming more like Him.
Let’s review of list of those character traits seen in Jesus.
Compassion or tenderhearted mercy. The main thing to grasp is that this is an emotional term. Being moved to mercy or compassion involves the feelings, not just the head. It means being touched by the needs of people so that we respond with appropriate action to help them. If you lack compassion, you may be only concerned with self or you even lack compassion for your self. When you encounter a difficult person and you’re inclined to be irritated rather than to have compassion for him, ask him to share his story. Often, when you find out what the person has gone through, it helps.
Kindness. We should treat others with kindness. To be kind means to be free from all which is harsh, rough, and bitter. This word was used to describe wine that had mellowed (Luke 5:39). It didn’t bite or leave a bitter taste. A kind person is not demanding and pushy. He gives others room to be imperfect without needing to constantly correct them. Joseph is a great example of kindness. His brothers had hated him and sold him into slavery. After being falsely accused of impropriety with Potiphar’s wife and imprisoned for several years, he finally rose to the top as prime minister of Egypt. He easily could have taken vengeance on his brothers, but instead, he forgave them and was generous with them. After their father, Jacob, died, the brothers became afraid because they thought that perhaps Joseph would now pay them back for what they had done to him. But when Joseph heard it, he wept and spoke kindly to his brothers, assuring them of his continuing love and care for them and their children (Gen. 50:15-21). Jesus said that God Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men (Luke 6:35). Paul said that the kindness of God leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4) Peter said that tasting God’s kindness should motivate us too long for the sincere milk of the word, that we may grow in respect to salvation (1 Pet. 2:1-3). If we’ll show kindness to those who are not kind to us, it will often motivate them to repentance and growth.
Humility. We should treat others with humility. Humility does not mean that when someone pays you a compliment, you look down and say, “It really wasn’t much!” Humility is not to dump on yourself. Literally, the Greek word means “lowliness of mind.” There are 3 aspects of humility. 1. A humble person consciously relies on the Lord and recognizes that God has given him all that he has (1 Pet. 5:5-7; 1 Cor. 4:7). He knows that he is weak in himself, but he is strong when he trusts in God’s strength (2 Cor. 12:9-10; Phil. 4:13). 2. A humble person has a proper evaluation of himself. Paul said (Rom. 12:3), “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.” He goes on to talk about using the gifts that God has given us to serve one another. A humble person doesn’t think that he’s indispensable in God’s program, nor does he think so lowly of himself that he neglects the gifts God has given him to use (Matt. 25:14-30; 2 Tim. 1:6-8). 3. A humble person esteems others more highly than himself. As Paul said (Phil. 2:3-4), “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” He goes on to cite the example of Jesus, who laid aside His glory in heaven to take on the form of a servant and go to the cross for our salvation. He esteemed us more highly than himself.
Gentleness. We should treat others with gentleness even if we have the power not too. The King James Version translates it “meekness.” There is no good single English word to translate the concept of the Greek word. It does not mean to be a mild-mannered or compliant. The main idea is, “strength under submission.” It was used in classical Greek of trained animals, such as a horse which was strong and powerful in battle, but totally submissive to the warrior who rode him. The gentle person is not self-willed, but surrendered to do God’s will. Plato used the word of a gentle doctor who used only enough force (as in setting a broken bone) to bring healing. So the gentle person will sometimes be strong to confront sin, but only strong enough to bring healing (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:25).
Patience or long tempered. It’s the opposite of having a short fuse.
Forbearance or making allowances for faults. We could also call this grace. We should treat others with forbearance, patient self-control; restraint and tolerance. This means putting up with someone’s faults and idiosyncrasies. We need to recognize that being different doesn’t necessarily mean being wrong. Just because I’ve always done something a certain way doesn’t mean that everyone else has to do it my way. We must never be forbearing when it comes to biblical moral absolutes. But we must bear with others when it comes to things the Bible doesn’t clearly command.
Forgiving. Rather than holding a grudge or harboring bitterness and resentment, we must forgive those who wrong us. Did you notice that many of these qualities are needed only when you have a complaint against someone? So you can’t excuse yourself by saying, “I’d treat him right if he would treat me better.” You wouldn’t need patience, forbearance, or forgiveness if everyone treated you well! We are to forgive “just as the Lord forgave you.” That’s a lot, isn’t it! The Greek word used here for “forgiveness” has the nuance of undeserved favor. We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness, but He provided for it and granted it freely in Christ at great cost to Himself. God didn’t say, “Don’t worry about it; it’s no big deal.” He paid the price, but He doesn’t make us pay. God’s forgiveness means that He will never bring up our sins as evidence to condemn us. He never hauls out our past as leverage against us. Even though He legitimately could, the Lord doesn’t make us feel put down because He was so magnanimous as to forgive us. His forgiveness means total acceptance and restored fellowship with us. While compassion involves our feelings, forgiveness is primarily a decision. You choose to absorb the wrong and not allow it to be a barrier between you and the other person. The feelings may follow. If you struggle with feeling forgiving after you’ve granted it, do something kind for the one who wronged you. While God never extends forgiveness until there is repentance, He showers those who have wronged Him with repeated kindnesses until they come to repentance. We must do the same, hard as it is to do.
Love. God graciously chose us in love. His gracious, loving treatment of us is the basis for our treatment of others. Seeing myself as the object of God’s gracious, sovereign love, set apart unto Him, frees me to love even those who are difficult to love. If I’m dependent on the other person’s response for my sense of security, I won’t risk loving someone who might reject me. But if I’m secure in God’s love for me, I’m free to love those who may not return my love. If someone insults me, I’ll feel hurt, but I don’t need to retaliate. I can give a blessing instead (1 Pet. 3:9), because I’m secure in God’s love for me.
Well, I have a long way to go but at least we have our eyes on the goal. We knowing these characteristics of Christ reside in us and now we can do the work to remove the things that obscure them in our lives.
Homework
1. How was compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, allowance for your faults (grace), forgiveness and love modeled to you as a child by your family of origin (who raised you or influenced you in your childhood)? How would you describe yourself in terms of these behaviors on a scale of 1-10, why?
Here is an example. Compassion: My Mother was very compassionate, always looking for the hurting people, always making sure I wasn’t hurting or needed something, my Dad however was always irritated that my mother was compassionate. He often said, what a waste, they need to take care of themselves. I am probably a 3 on compassion, I see when people are hurting but often don’t do anything about it.
Compassion
Kindness
Humility
Gentleness
Patience
Forbearance or grace
Forgiveness
Love
After review this list I start to think about all the characters in me that don’t look like Christ and I am sure you do as well. Let’s stop here and recognize God is not revealing these things to shame you or make you feel bad. God is revealing the things in your life that are blocking you from the fullness of life found in His ways. Try to step back ask God to use the information we are about to uncover to help you grow and heal. Remember He loves you just as you are.
Character Defects
These are tendencies you have to do things, feel things, or think things that are negative. These character defects might hurt you or hurt other people. These are the things you wish you could stop doing but for some reason you keep doing them.
You might know exactly what your character defects are, but some you might be blinded to some of them. We ask that you spend time thinking about your tendencies, and ask God to reveal these to you.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”Psalm 139:23
“offensive” here (Hebrew: otseb) means painful or sorrowful either in the mind or the body; it also includes idols in our lives.
What would God say to you, as His precious daughter whom He loves infinitely, if you asked what character defects He sees in you? What tendencies cause you and the people around you pain or sorrow? What tendencies do you have toward idols in your life? or What tendencies lead you toward idols in your life?
No one is exempt from character defects. Everyone has them. Some are easy to see from the outside: spending too much, cheating on your significant other, cutting yourself, gossiping, anger, being impatient, being mean or discourteous, or being selfish. Others are harder to see on the outside but are felt on the inside: jealousy, ungratefulness, depression, apathy, anxiety, insecurity, procrastination, perfectionism, lust, lying, envy, and fear.
If you were completely honest - what would you be willing to acknowledge to yourself? And what would you be courageous enough to confess out loud
My biggest fear in confessing my character defects to the class, is that you would see me through the lens of my character defects. I worry that you would always remember them and judge me for them. I feel this very real fear each time I say them to someone new. But - that is the very thing that perpetuates my character defects: hiding them, pretending that they don’t exist, trying to deal with them on my own. It would be more comfortable to keep them locked away in the dark, shadowy area of myself. That is not what Jesus has called us to do. He has not asked us to lead a life of comfort; He has asked us to lead a life of fullness. My fullest (“best”) life is not devoid of discomfort or pain, it is seeing the resurrection and redemption of the uncomfortable and painful areas of my life.
Homework
2. Mark the character faults you see in yourself and rate them 1-5, 5 being the most harmful in your life. Choose one defect that you struggle with the most and answer the following questions.
Name the character fault you are exhibiting in your life?
What was the last circumstance that you acted out in that character fault?
Has anyone shared concerns about that behavior in the past?
Looking at the pattern of when you act out in this behavior, is there any situations, stress or triggers that occur with the behavior or trigger the behavior?
How long has this trait been a part of your life?
Do you see that trait in the people who raised you as a child?
What do you think that behavior gives you?
What negative impact does this behavior have on you?
What impact does this behavior have on others?
Does this character trait line up with your values? How does that make you feel?
Big ideas
God is love. He is the very embodiment of love.
If we are made in His image then we are also designed for love.
God commands us to love each other in relationship.
There are character traits of Jesus in each of us that will foster love and relationships.
We all have character traits that are negative and have a negative impact on our lives and our relationships.
We can choose to join God in his healing and transformation of the characteristic in our lives.