Click here to watch the video teaching
Matthew West’s story Part 1:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wz3tkHv5sbg
Matthew West’s storyPart 2:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_18SzbjJgaE
Lesson 23
Step 5
I choose peace & mercy in my relationships.
Happy are the merciful. (Mat 5:7)
Happy are the peacemakers. (Mat 5:9)
This step can look like offering forgiveness to those that have hurt you and amends to those you have hurt.
Step 5 is where we actively choose to reconnect with the God given likeness of Christ in us. We are transforming. We are recovering. Christ chose peace and mercy in his relationships and we can choose peace and mercy in ours.
Forgiveness is a frequented topic for Jesus and is modeled by Jesus and God.
Remember you were created in the image of God and when we disconnect from that likeness by not pursuing forgiveness we disconnect from original design and prevent ourselves from living the fullness of life. It does feel like our “humanness” makes forgiving so hard but we know the spirit indwelling in us can overcome that.
What is forgiveness? Why are we told to forgive? What if I don’t want to forgive? Forgiveness is a deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment toward a person who has harmed you, regardless of whether the person is sorry, remorseful, or even knowledgeable about their harm.
Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Colossians 3:13)
In Colossians 3:13, forgiveness is translated as: to show one’s self gracious, kind, and benevolent; to pardon, to give graciously, give freely; to graciously restore one to another.
Maybe you read this and don’t agree. Maybe you are thinking - I don’t want to be gracious. I don’t want to be kind or benevolent because he/she wasn’t kind or benevolent to me. I refuse to pardon because that will condone and excuse away what this person did. I won’t look the other way and let what he/she did to me go.
And that’s the thing - the holding on to the hurt. Resentment is this holding on to the hurt.
When we look at our paragraph we can see what the holding on to has done to us. How has the holding on to this hurt affected you? How has it limited you? How many relationships has it negatively impacted or destroyed? How many destructive responses has it activated? When will enough be enough?
Maybe through this act of forgiving this person what you are actually doing is deciding to be gracious to yourself, to be kind and benevolent to yourself. Maybe you will you be pardoning yourself from holding on to this hurt. And maybe the person who is restored is actually yourself.
Matthew 6:12 Living Bible (TLB) … and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us.
In Matthew 6:12, forgiveness is translated as: to send away, to let go, to keep no longer; to go away from in order to go to another place; to depart from one and leave the person to themself
This translation implies movement. What if God has brought you to this place in order to move you forward? Has the momentum of your life been stalled because of this resentment? Is it time to move forward in becoming the person God made you to be?
Jesus talked a lot about forgiveness. Why did He want this for us? Jesus came to free us from prisons both concrete and abstract. Resentment creates a prison and we chose to stay there everyday when we chose resentment over forgiveness.
The act and process of forgiving reveals us to ourselves, and in doing that Christ is revealed within us. It is not easy and it cannot be done without doing “the work” leading up to this point. We have said before that the extent to which we can forgive is the extent to which we have acknowledged the wrong done to us.
This year in class, you have chosen one person, one hurt and really explored it, dug in and went to the hard places. Now it is time to let it go. Now it is time to chose love - the love of Jesus, love for yourself, the love that is God. “Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God… God is love” 1 John 4: 7-8
At the end of the day though, it is not anyone else’s choice but your own to decide to forgive. No one can make the decision for you. No one can go through the process of forgiving but you. And here in this class, in this space - we love you whether or not you decide to forgive your person. This is your freewill. And with our freewill, we choose to love you.
Forgiveness IS a letting go or handing over to God the negative thoughts and emotions regarding an offense. It’s hard work so let’s talk about what forgiveness is and isn’t.
Forgiveness IS letting go of our need for revenge, punishment or apologies. (Remember this… while we were still sinners Christ died for us. Romans 5:8)
Forgiveness IS to let go of our hope for a different or better past and accepting what is.
Forgiveness IS NOT trust. Trust is earned.
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting, excusing or accepting the offense against you.
Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation and restoration of the relationship.
God knows that “unforgiveness” leads to a number of destructive responses in our lives. Depression, anxiety, lack of joy, emotional exhaustion, bitterness and anger name a few.
For those reasons above, God encourages us in Ephesians 4:31-32 to get ride of all bitterness, rage and anger… forgiving one another.
STEPS TO HELP YOU ALONG YOUR PATH OF FORGIVENESS. These steps if chosen could help you find forgiveness. Remember forgiveness is not usually a once and done. Most will walk along this path and chose these steps more than once.
Explore the extent of the hurt against you and the damage done. Hopefully have done this in your narratives. We have heard over and over the extent to which you explore your hurt is the extent to which you can forgive. You can not forgive something you have not acknowledged happened. This is why step 4 is so important. No more minimizing, denying, accusing what happened to you, you have faced your pain.
Surrender your power to get revenge, retribution or apologies. Hand that person over to God who is perfectly just. Choose meekness as we discussed in Step 3. Remember meekness is not weakness.
Recognize the image of God in yourself and in your offender. Understand that we are all created by God in His image.
Humanize your offender. We are all sinners. We all have holes in our heart that birthed destructive responses that hurt others. Is there something in your offenders life that you can see damaged them in a way that they would damage you? Can you picture them before they hurt you, maybe as a child? Remember you are not excusing their behavior but recognizing they too have holes in their hearts.
Let go of your saga (narrative) and carry forward with your sentence. You can choose to no longer meditate on the details of your hurt unless it is for a helpful reason.
Switch your focus from blame your offender to owning your destructive responses and current life circumstances. (Step 4) You could not choose whether or not this person hurt you but you can choose how you will respond to this hurt. Be an advocate for your own health. Seek help when you need it.
Choose to join God in using your hurt to build you up. God can use the worst of circumstances to strengthen and prepare you, it’s called redemption. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.
Acknowledge you did survive this hurt in your life, and while it changed you, it did not destroy you - your life can move forward.
Soak in God’s truth and presence.
Establish healthy boundaries that define expectations and show love & respect for yourself and others.
I forgive or want to forgive _____________________ for __________________________
________________________ to me. While I know I will not forget the pain caused, I am
choosing to join God in redeeming this pain in my life.
Share a forgiveness exercise or ritual that works for you.